Mixture
by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey
Summary: Woohoo! Randomness! My favourite! These are my short one-shots written off of ideas from McJunker's 'Thirty Terrible Ideas for LOTR Fanfics'. Sounds great, right? :P Please read and review! Oh, almost forgot: rated for disturbing endings to some of them.
1. Zombies vs Aragorn

_Authoress' Note: Ok, honestly I didn't spend much time or effort on these short stories. But I thought someone might enjoy them, sooo... _

_Also I probably will not write any more to this. _

_I hope you enjoy it... total randomness rules!_

_What it is and Disclaimer: These are ideas taken from McJunker's 'Thirty Terrible Ideas for LOTR Fanfics'. Some of them sounded so funny I couldn't resist... :P_

* * *

Aragorn, the ranger, and Legolas the Elf prince wandered in the wood of Lothlorien on a fine summer evening. They were searching for Athelas, the healing herb. Galadriel was out of it, and needed some to heal Haldir who had sustained an arrow injury during a short skirmish with Orcs that morning. The ranger and the Elf had agreed grudgingly to find some, and were seeking more or less diligently under the shade of the Mallorn trees.  
Suddenly Aragorn, with his acute ranger senses, felt something was wrong. The sky grew darker, the wind howled ominously, and there was a strange sound.  
'There is a fell voice on the air,' observed Legolas with typical obviousity.  
'I sense it too,' said Aragorn.  
'I know what you hear,' commented Galadriel via long-distance telepathy, 'for it is also in my mind.'  
Aragorn shivered slightly, forgetting the ominous noise while he wondered why the Lady of the Wood had to be so creepy.  
'Aragorn,' said Legolas urgently, 'we should leave now.'  
'Do not worry, Legolas,' said Aragorn, bending down to pluck some Athelas, 'we are warriors, and can fend off any attack.'  
'These are no mere Orcs,' insisted Legolas. 'Some fell force is at work here. We cannot linger.'  
The sound was growing louder and more distinct every minute; Aragorn for a moment thought he could distinguish the word 'Brainz' in the murmur of fell voices, but cast the thought aside in amusement. What fell force's battle cry would be 'Brainz'?  
Suddenly, out from the dense foliage of the forest burst strange creatures. They resembled Orcs, but were more... dead. Aragorn drew his sword, and Legolas covered his eyes, backing away and crying, 'Ah, Elbereth, oh Valar preserve us, by Gandalf's beard, woe is me, for such fellness has appeared before my eyes!'  
'What trickery is this?' asked Aragorn dubiously, poking at one of the enemies with his sword. He nudged it slightly, and was surprised and horrified to see its head wobble and topple off. 'Oops,' he said.  
Aragorn turned to see Legolas hastily climbing a tree.  
'Brainz,' said the zombies (for that is, of course, what they were).  
'Where do you think you're going?' asked Aragorn.  
Legolas perched serenely on a branch and looked down. 'I feel most at home in trees,' he explained convincingly.  
'Brainz,' said the zombies. They were surrounding Aragorn.  
The ranger precipitously decided that he was most at home in trees, too. Soon he had joined his Elven friend at the top of the tallest.  
'Brainz,' insisted the zombies.

'Now what?' asked Aragorn.


	2. PEACE

If you walked in Mordor during the time of Lord Sauron's occupation, you may have come across two exceedingly strange Orcs.  
The first thing you would have noticed about them is that they wore tie dye shirts. As if being an Orc in and of itself was not disturbing enough! Secondly you would have noticed that they had long hair. For Orcs, not for Elves. Thirdly you would have seen the signs they carried, which read like this:  
'PEACE'  
They were what might be called Hippy Orcs. They objected to war. Their names were Sunshine and Rain.  
'Dude,' said Sunshine one day to his companion, 'We should start an anti-war protest, you know?'  
That's when it started.

'Lord SAURON!' screamed a certain, non-specific Nazgul, running up the steps of Barad-dur as fast as he could in his long cloak. 'We have a revolution on our hands!'  
The eye started up in alarm. 'Say whatttt?'  
The Nazgul at last arrived at the top of the tower, breathless.  
'A... REvoLutION,' he panted. 'H-h-h...'  
'WHAAATTT?' hissed the Eye.  
'Hippppy Orcs!' screeched the ring-wraith, before fainting dead away.  
'Does my Eye deceive me?' said the Eye in consternation, gazing out at the lands that had once been his.  
Orcs in tie-dye were everywhere.  
'Snap,' said the Eye.

It took quite a long time for Lord Sauron to crush the rebellion. And even today, you may find a deserted Mallorn tree or Athelas plant growing dismally in some Mordor soil, planted by a hippy in the days of old.


	3. Assassin

'Aragorn,' said Legolas slowly.  
They were standing outside of the hall in Edoras, where the rest of the Fellowship was spending the night. Legolas was very concerned about something.  
'Aragorn,' he repeated, 'do you think that perhaps Pippin actually did tell the dark Lord-' here he shuddered- 'about our plans?'  
'I saw truth in his eyes,' said Aragorn.  
'But he might be a good actor,' insisted Legolas.  
'Why would he tell us a lie?' asked the ranger. 'What reason would he have to trick us?'  
Legolas shifted uncomfortably. 'He... might have been compromised,' he said at last.  
'What do you mean?' asked Aragorn, knitting his brows.  
'He might have been turned to the dark side.' Legolas was becoming more and more urgent. 'He may even be a trained assassin!'  
'Ha!' Aragorn burst out laughing. 'Pippin wouldn't even be able to SPELL assassin, much less be one!'  
There was the noise of two knives entering two backs. Aragorn and Legolas fell to the ground.  
'Oh, really?' chuckled Pippin.


	4. Poor Dark Lord

'Sniff, sniff. Sniff, sniff.'  
That is the sound of our poor unsuccessful Dark Lord, mourning his misfortune.  
'Come, come, don't take it so hard.'  
That is the sound of his faithful right-hand Nazgul, the Witch-King, trying to cheer him up.  
'It's not so bad,' says the Witch-King. 'After all, this gives you the chance to start anew, to make a new beginning! This is a perfect time to change your strategy!'  
'Sniff. I caaaan't! I worked for millennia on this strategggyyy!' Our poor Lord Sauron dissolves into tears at this point.  
'Oh, don't be so glum. I'm sure everything will turn out just fine.' The ring-wraith is unable to quench his master's tears. 'How about some ice cream? That always seems to cheer you up.'  
'Don't want any.' Our poor Dark Lord looks sulky.  
'How about I bring your kitty kitty up?' says the Nazgul brightly. 'Cuddling kittens is good for unsuccessful world dominators!'  
'NO. Sniff. Go 'way!'  
The Witch-King is at a loss. Suddenly his face brightens.  
'Let's go hunt some Elf!' he suggests.  
A slow smile appears on our poor Lord Sauron's face. 'Ooh, goody!' he says.


	5. The Eagles are Coming?

'You...Shall...Not...Passsssss!' yelled Gandalf dramatically. He then with even more drama brought his staff and sword together down upon the bridge of Khazad Dum.  
The balrog seemed to laugh at his apparently futile attempt at big bad balrog annihilation, and stepped forward. The bridge crumbled beneath his feet, and he went tumbling to his death (...?) thousands of feet below.  
Gandalf turned back to his companions with a smug smile. 'See?' he said. 'Nothing to it!'  
The balrog, with split-second timing and while still in the process of falling to his untimely death, whipped out with a fiery lash and caught the Wizard's ankle. Gandalf fell, catching hold of the edge of the bridge.  
'GANNNDAAALLLFFFF!' screamed someone (I won't mention any names).  
Suddenly Gandalf's face lit up with inspiration.  
'Fly, you fools!' he cried, and hurtled down into the deathly dark.  
Once the fellowship had made it safely out of the mines, an important discussion began. And no, it was not about whether the balrog had wings or not.  
'He clearly meant that he wanted us to get out of there as fast as possible,' said Aragorn.  
'No he didn't,' objected the opposition, namely Boromir. 'He meant it in a more literal sense.'  
'Well we can't exactly sprout wings,' said Gimli sarcastically.  
'Don't be silly,' said Boromir. 'He meant that we are supposed to summon the eagles and have them carry us to Mordor.'  
There was a short silence.  
'Well, why didn't he say so before?' asked Merry, exasperated.  
'Probably he had only thought of it just then,' said Frodo.  
'Yes,' agreed Boromir. 'You may have observed that he had quite a look of enlightenment on his features at that particular moment.'  
'Well what are we waiting for?' asked Sam. 'Are we going to summon the eagles or not?'  
'Let the ring-bearer decide,' said Aragorn at last.  
'We shall fly, by all means,' said Frodo decisively. 'This Ring is heavy, you know?'  
'So how exactly do we summon them?' asked Pippin. Merry thunked him on the head.  
'Stupid,' he said, 'we just find a butterfly.'  
The interesting process of summoning eagles was soon accomplished. I will not go into detail on this procedure because you've seen it before. Besides, it's boring.  
'The eagles are coming,' said Legolas, at last finding something obvious to say.  
The fellowship gratefully mounted their transportation and took off towards Mount Doom. Boromir looked smug.  
'At this rate we'll be there in no time,' he said, leaning back with his hands behind his head. 'Ahh, this is the way I like my adventures!'  
They were nearing the volcano. Suddenly the eagle chief dude spoke up for the first time.  
'You think you can get past Lord Sauron this way?' Here he laughed a very disturbing, maniacal laugh. 'You should be careful who you trust.' He jerked to the side, causing his passengers to fall shrieking towards a lava-y grave below.  
'Thanks a lot, Boromir!' yelled Pippin.


End file.
